I am torn. I am drowning in an ocean of emotions and thoughts. At times my mind and my heart are in conflict with each other but at times they are in sync.

I do not remember the moment when I left Karachi for Canada. I was too young to remember my thoughts and emotions at that time. Even as I got older in Canada, I felt as if my life in Karachi was from another lifetime…a previous lifetime…or maybe it was a fairytale. Sure certain tastes and smells would jog my memory about Karachi but it was never the whole picture. Bits and pieces of memories would sweep me away. It was as if I was imagining everything…nothing was real yet it was only because I was told it was so by my parents. I had always imagined what my life was like while in Karachi…my birth place.

Now that I have lived in Pakistan for almost 8 months, I cannot bring myself to leave this place. Of course I am excited to see my family and friends back in Canada but my heart will not let me leave this place. I am all too aware of my emotions and thoughts now. This is not a fairytale anymore. This is my life. I now feel the bond and connection I have with my country and with my countrymen and women. I feel their pain and their joy. I laugh and cry with them. I pray and work with them. Yes I am my own person, unique in my thoughts, emotions, principles, morals and ethics but I share a great deal with my people. I am cut from the same cloth….

I Love, with a capital L, the people and the culture. I enjoy the multiplicity of ethnicities. I enjoy the presence of different languages, religions (Muslims, Hindus, Christians) and practices--the ground work for pluralism. Too bad some individuals are too concerned with speculating what divides them rather than what unites them. Sure I do not agree with the government and some of the nuances I have encountered, but my goal should be to work with the system. Pakistanis and Pakistan as a country has so much to offer to the world. This land is full of resources. Its people are wise with extraordinary talents. I am not saying this out of bias but from sheer conviction. If only the world would realize this. If only Pakistanis themselves could realize this…

Often in Canada I would proudly proclaim that I am a ‘Pakistani.’ No wait...a Pakistani Canadian. But who was I kidding? I did not know anything about Pakistan or what a ‘Pakistani’ actually means. I was already struggling to find my identity. I was struggling to fit in with a new crowd and a new culture in a new country. I found my self becoming too engrossed into the ‘Canadian culture” that I had forgotten about my roots. It took a while for me to assimilate with the rest of my Canadian brothers and sisters while being true to my own principles, morals and ethics. With all tests come great lessons. The struggle continues to this day.

And now I wonder, what does it mean to be a Canadian? What does it mean to be a Pakistani? Who defines this and by what criteria? Is it based on how one acts? Or how one thinks or feels? Just because I hold a Canadian Citizen Passport or a Pakistani National Identity Card does that define who I am? Are we merely labeling ourselves for our own convenience? Are we not all Global Citizens as we have a responsibility to all of mankind?

A friend of mine made a comment recently, which has left me deep in my thoughts. “Identity is not a single thing. It has dimensions….good dimensions are those which care for human beings, the bad are those which undermine human dignity.” So true are his words. With that in mind, my last few weeks will be spent reflecting on those dimensions. Yes I am a Global Citizen, which includes being a Canadian Pakistani. This is not based on which cards I hold, but on the dimensions I decide to adopt and act upon. Action towards those who are less fortunate lead better lives while respecting their autonomy and dignity. This I know will require time and patience…

I leave Pakistan knowing what I need to do next. What I need to do for this country. It took me more than 20 years to return to my birth place. I only pray that it does not take me more than 20 years this time around. The memories of Pakistan, in all its shape, size and form, will remain etched in my Heart, Mind and Soul. Until next time….